March 7, 2012

Notes to myself.

Sometimes I wish I could run to far away places, where there are a bunch of people whom I don't know, start new conversations and find the likeliness we can share. It's just like a whole world that is new, where you can start with anything you've ever wished to be. Having separated-over-continents families just makes it so hard to stay on the steady pace. I'm scared of being alone all this time. Well, it's not that particular 'alone' as often described as not having bf or anything. It's about being all by yourself where you are in this particular country, study, live, struggling hard to fulfil your daily need, economize on everything. I'm afraid that the time nearly comes, where I have to find a job and you would not want your parents to support your living anymore. 

Seeking comfort to myself, which I thought I've been so stupid thinking of it over and over again, even bring it to my dreams at night. Being honest to my feeling just does not help, just pretend that I am being honest. Even if you can't get over it, just tell yourself you are. You have to accept the truth, and someday you might understand and everything starts to make sense. Maybe I will just keep you in my prayer every night, wishing you are well, and let God decides. Because it is a very nice and warm feeling when I can talk about you as long as I like, only to God, every night. That is the only way to keep you safe, and I know you will be alright in His hands. 

Every so often too, I felt like I need to hide, from the reality. How you see other people's life is better and start comparing it to yours. Trying to be strong is indeed a very difficult task to do. Easily saying, but when you have reached the peak of your strongest, sometimes you still find it so horribly hard and start raining down your face with tears overnight, but thanks to God that He makes us smile again the next morning. The cycle keeps going on and it is driven back to the so-called waiting. I'm still here, being better and stronger, renewed. It is the leap of faith that keeps me standing in this solid ground, waiting someone to pick me up, waiting for the result of hard works that I've been putting during these years, waiting to be able to be with my beloved family again. To summarise, it is to get a better life, the improved one, only from God :)

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